Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted âbuddy!â at the same time. this city rules lol
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I â¤ď¸ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will đŤ everyone
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[ikea date]
him: letâs go check out the beds đ
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. Iâve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this đđ
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
âSo sorryâ – Actually sorry
âSorry about thatâ – Not really sorry
âSorry you feel that wayâ – Not sorry at all
âSorry, but…â – Apologise to me
Iâm convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I donât even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
How did we not see this back then?
Boyfriend: Iâm home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows Iâm really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.