Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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OH. COME. ON.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.