1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
North and South