Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening