Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You Might Also Like
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
So we got a goldfish…
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???