Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”