Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
You Might Also Like
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.