ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
You Might Also Like
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
i’m still crying at this
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
They’re the worst 😩
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
this is uni
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
2022 will be better than 2021
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house