I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.