Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.