I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“A little help here, Danny?”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself