Yup….perfect score!
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.