[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”