#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Why is no one talking about this?!
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat