“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
same energy
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.