Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Your secret is safeish with me
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one