It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”