It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
You Might Also Like
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE