teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??