At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Woke up against my better judgment again
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.