reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
looks legit