[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
(Gaming support cat.)
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?