Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
🔦🌙👣