wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!