When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!