Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses