Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.