Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Follow me for more life hacks.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.