if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
This could be us but you eatin’
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”