The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
In Canada they just call them geese
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Happy Thanksgiving
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers