I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will