Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida