I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Legend 🤣🤣
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me in tagged photos
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.