Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Simple
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop