Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Thursday
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
me irl