DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.