and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.