My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
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One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
do horses think humans are hats
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount