they finally got him. they got macavity
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?