In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me trying to walk in a dream
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
🤯🤯🤯
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing