The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.