My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Breaking news:
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you