this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Merry Christmas
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
#StillHurts
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.