Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY