for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
THIS HEADLINE
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
couldn’t resist
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Cardio Made Easy
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.