It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff