This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How actors in movies eat their food
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I hate when that happens.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few