This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.