I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
This anagram machine is out of order.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.