Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.